Wez's Stuff

Some people have been mailing me jokes - some of them were nearly funny, so I'm posting some to waste your time

Please be very careful reading this because it is so funny you may well hurt yourself - you have been warned

I got an e-mail the other day and laughed so much i thought that i would drop dead - this is it....

Subject: The Funniest thing I have ever read !!!

Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was
visiting Phoenix, Durban, South Africa from the U.S.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by
the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellow's
are crazy.


Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.


Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree,
the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that
300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?


Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me
off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.


Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I
thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone!


Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least
during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4
inch hole in my stomach.


Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on
top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank,
wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: --------------
(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)


A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"WOW! This is GREAT!" he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it,he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits - all free and nibbling at the lush green grass.

"Hello!" he called out. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory over there and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they all cried out.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted SO good.

"What else do you do wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said, "You see that field over there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn't resist. He spent the next hour gorging on the most succulent carrots he had ever tasted.

"They are wonderful!" he told his new friends.

Much later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there in the distance? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned some hours later,completely full of lettuce.

"Is there anything else you do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came close to him and whispered, "There is one other thing you must try." Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner of the field, he said, "They're girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and
try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back to his male friends.

"That was FANTASTIC!!!" he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry. I had a great time, believe me. But I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement. "Why? We thought you liked it out here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I have to get back to the

I need a cigarette."


A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary
clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor
pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor
on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the
vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry,
but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell?
You haven't done any testing on him or anything.
I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room.
In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador
Retriever. The Retriever went right to work,
checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with
his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing,
the Retriever sadly shook his head and said,
"Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and
returned in a few moments with a cat, who also
carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table.
As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his
head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history").
He then jumped off the table and ran out of the

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600.

The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell
me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained.
"If you had taken my word for it, the charge
would have been $50, but with the Lab work
and the cat scan..."


1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the clinic, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.

Bogus News


The US Congress cleared the way for states to approve
motorists' use of "lethal force" in dealing with idiot drivers.

Irate driver Ray Owens of Columbus, Ohio, heralded the action
by Congress. "This is truly a great day in our country. I
predict a kindler, gentler, and far more productive country as
soon as I blow away that asshole who's in the right turn only
lane with left turn signal on."

Actions that are now covered by the lethal force sanction

** Stopping for a yellow light.
** Driving at speeds under the posted speed limit.
** Blocking traffic in the right turn lane by deciding to "go
through the light." (Notice, this offense punishable by lethal
force if there was a middle lane an offender could have gone
** Simultaneous application of make-up and cell phone
usage. (Statisticians expect the female population of the
United States to go down drastically upon passage.)
** Car radios in excess of 80 decibels. If the radio is
turned so loud as to cause thumping headaches in other
vehicles, Congress has generously waived the constitutional
ban on "Cruel and Unusual" punishment. Punishment
administering drivers are encouraged to "be creative."

Congress has delayed legislation to send all teenager drivers
to the land-mined roads of Bosnia for a mandatory 18 month
training period. Representative Pryce (R-Ohio) said, "The land-
mines will insure our teenagers quickly pick up the theory of
'slow and easy'. Also, loud noises can set off mines, so they'll
learn how to listen to the radio at much lower volumes. We
think it's a win-win for everyone. The United States gets better
drivers and Bosnia gets much needed pizza-delivery people."



During the 2000 Campaign, George W. Bush promised a
leaner and more cost-efficient military. "I'm pleased to report,"
the President spoke, "that we have downed the most
sophisticated Chinese fighter without spending two million
dollars on an air-to-air missile."

President Bush's "Don't Ask, Just Give 'em Hell" policy is
a sharp departure from former President Clinton's focus on
moving the Pentagon to San Francisco and painting Navy
battleships a bright lavender.

The President was particularly pleased that it was a 50's
era propeller driven plane that took out the Chinese aircraft.
"Heck, we bought and paid for that sucker fifty years ago.
It didn't cost the American taxpayer a single dime to take
out that commie."

Bush was also pleased his "Ram The Bastard" policy for
Navy submarines was a rousing success. "Just think of
all of the torpedoes we can save money on!" The President
seemed only momentarily flustered when asked if the Navy
should, perhaps, target enemies of the United States
instead of friendly countries like Japan. "Didn't Japan sink
a bunch of our battleships in World War I or II? I'll ask Poppy."

The President wants to get the Army involved next by
sending tanks into Canada. "Moscow's in Canada, right?"

Amusing Anagrams

Diego Maradona
O dear, I'm a gonad

Tony Blair PM
I'm Tory plan B

David Ginola
Vagina dildo

Teddy Sheringham
Teddy Minge rash

Ossie Ardiles
Arse is soiled

Virginia Bottomley
I'm an evil Tory bigot

Michael Heseltine
Elect him, he's alien

David Mellor
Dildo marvel

Dame Agatha Christie
I am a right death case

The Metropolitan Police Force
I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop

Benson and Hedges
NHS been a godsend

Mel Gibson
Big melons

Gloria Estefan
Large fat noise

Chris Rea
Rich arse

Martina Navratilova
Variant rival to a man

Gabriela Sabatini
Insatiable airbag

Irritable Bowel Syndrome
O my terrible drains below

Evil's Agent

A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code
Here Come Dots

Woman Hitler

Is No Meal

A Decimal Point
I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two
Twelve plus one

Motorway Service Station
I eat coronary vomit stews

President Clinton, of the USA
To copulate, he finds interns

Man and Woman

Maybe this one was meant for the philosophy - but what the hell - it's probably funny....

Man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
Woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.

Man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

Man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

Man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
Woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.

Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got f * cked up.

Bear Warning

The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests
for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by
wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.

Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they
should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and
Grizzy Bear dung.

Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see
fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.

Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray!

How to give your cat a pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb
on either side of cat's rnouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand As cat opens
mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3 Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4 Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding front and rear paws lightly with left hand. Force
jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit Put
pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply
band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap..
10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring the fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid the cat . Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty
pruning gloves from the shed Force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of fillet steak. Hold cat vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and remove remnants
from front right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for vet to make a house-call.

Do you have A. A. A. D. D.?

I have recently been diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D.

(Advanced Absentminded Attention Deficit Disorder)

This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.

OK, I'm going to wash the car, but first I'm going to go through the mail.

I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail, and notice the trashcan is full.

OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook?

Oops, there's only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk.

Oh, there's the coke I was drinking.

I'm going to look for those checks.

But first I have to put my coke further away from the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for awhile.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye; they need some water.

I set the coke on the counter, and uh oh.

There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning.

I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots. Uh oh.....someone left the TV remote in the kitchen.

We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television, so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of the Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half- watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys.

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!!!

Author Forgotten

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