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Please be very careful reading this because it is so funny you may well hurt yourself - you have been warned
I got an e-mail the other day and laughed so much i thought that i would drop dead - this is it....
Subject: The
Funniest thing I have ever read !!!
Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who
was
visiting Phoenix, Durban, South Africa from the U.S.
"Recently I was honoured
to be selected as a judge at a curry
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by
the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry
wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the event:
________________________________________
Curry
# 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst
one. These Indian fellow's
are crazy.
__________________________________________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep
this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on
my face.
___________________________________________
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn
Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've
located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by
now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back; now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.
__________________________________________
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of
a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it, is it possible
to burn-out taste buds? Savathree,
the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that
300
lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
____________________________________________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my
eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me
off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
___________________________________________
Curry # 6:
Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I shit myself when
I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except
that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I
thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with
a
snow cone!
____________________________________________
Curry # 7: Sugash's
Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of curry peppers at the last moment.
I should note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava-like shit to match
my damn shirt. At least
during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing,
it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4
inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe
for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good,
balanced curry, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on
top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank,
wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: --------------
(editor's note: Judge
#3 was unable to report)
Rabbit
A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the
fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"WOW! This is GREAT!" he thought.
It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under
it,he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits - all free and nibbling at the lush green grass.
"Hello!"
he called out. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory over there and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes.
Come and join us," they all cried out.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted
SO good.
"What else do you do wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said,
"You see that field over there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This he couldn't
resist. He spent the next hour gorging on the most succulent carrots he had ever tasted.
"They are wonderful!"
he told his new friends.
Much later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see
that field there in the distance? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."
The lettuce tasted just
as good and he returned some hours later,completely full of lettuce.
"Is there anything else you do?" he
asked.
One of the other rabbits came close to him and whispered, "There is one other thing you must try."
Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner of the field, he said, "They're girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and
try
it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered,
he staggered back to his male friends.
"That was FANTASTIC!!!" he panted.
"So are you going
to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry. I had a great time, believe me. But I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement. "Why? We thought you liked it out here."
"I
do," our friend replied. "But I have to get back to the
laboratory....
I need a cigarette."
Vet
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary
clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor
pulled
out his stethoscope, placing the receptor
on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the
vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm sorry,
but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How
can you tell?
You haven't done any testing on him or anything.
I want another opinion!"
With that,
the vet turned and left the room.
In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador
Retriever. The Retriever went
right to work,
checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with
his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing,
the Retriever sadly shook his head and said,
"Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and
returned in a few moments with a cat, who also
carefully
sniffed out the poor dog on the table.
As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his
head and said, "Meow"
(meaning "he's history").
He then jumped off the table and ran out of the
room.
The veterinarian
handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell
me my dog is dead?
This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained.
"If you had taken my word for
it, the charge
would have been $50, but with the Lab work
and the cat scan..."
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill
in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill
from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom
and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put
pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label
to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's
throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the clinic, sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
a new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether
they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
Bogus News
CONGRESS SANCTIONS "LETHAL FORCE" IN ROAD
RAGE CASES
The US Congress cleared the way for
states to approve
motorists' use of "lethal force" in dealing with idiot drivers.
Irate driver Ray
Owens of Columbus, Ohio, heralded the action
by Congress. "This is truly a great day in our country. I
predict
a kindler, gentler, and far more productive country as
soon as I blow away that asshole who's in the right turn only
lane with left turn signal on."
Actions that are now covered by the lethal force sanction
include:
** Stopping for a yellow light.
** Driving at speeds under the posted speed limit.
** Blocking traffic
in the right turn lane by deciding to "go
through the light." (Notice, this offense punishable by lethal
force if there was a middle lane an offender could have gone
in.)
** Simultaneous application of make-up and cell
phone
usage. (Statisticians expect the female population of the
United States to go down drastically upon passage.)
** Car radios in excess of 80 decibels. If the radio is
turned so loud as to cause thumping headaches in other
vehicles, Congress has generously waived the constitutional
ban on "Cruel and Unusual" punishment. Punishment
administering drivers are encouraged to "be creative."
Congress has delayed legislation to send
all teenager drivers
to the land-mined roads of Bosnia for a mandatory 18 month
training period. Representative
Pryce (R-Ohio) said, "The land-
mines will insure our teenagers quickly pick up the theory of
'slow and easy'.
Also, loud noises can set off mines, so they'll
learn how to listen to the radio at much lower volumes. We
think
it's a win-win for everyone. The United States gets better
drivers and Bosnia gets much needed pizza-delivery people."
************************************************************************
BUSH'S PLAN TO STREAMLINE MILITARY
ON TARGET
During the 2000 Campaign, George W. Bush promised a
leaner and more cost-efficient military. "I'm
pleased to report,"
the President spoke, "that we have downed the most
sophisticated Chinese fighter without
spending two million
dollars on an air-to-air missile."
President Bush's "Don't Ask, Just Give 'em
Hell" policy is
a sharp departure from former President Clinton's focus on
moving the Pentagon to San Francisco
and painting Navy
battleships a bright lavender.
The President was particularly pleased that it was a 50's
era propeller driven plane that took out the Chinese aircraft.
"Heck, we bought and paid for that sucker fifty
years ago.
It didn't cost the American taxpayer a single dime to take
out that commie."
Bush was
also pleased his "Ram The Bastard" policy for
Navy submarines was a rousing success. "Just think of
all of the torpedoes we can save money on!" The President
seemed only momentarily flustered when asked if the Navy
should, perhaps, target enemies of the United States
instead of friendly countries like Japan. "Didn't Japan
sink
a bunch of our battleships in World War I or II? I'll ask Poppy."
The President wants to get the
Army involved next by
sending tanks into Canada. "Moscow's in Canada, right?"
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